Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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