my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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