You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize