I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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