3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
