if you like me you must not know who I am
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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