the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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