I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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