so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
