That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Farmville is her only friend.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
