This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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