I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
