I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
