I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
