I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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