I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
