Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
