i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
