it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
What a dumb baby whore.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
