hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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