"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
