Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
