And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
