Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
