I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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