the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
