I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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