Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
