He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
