Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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