idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
