i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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