I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
