i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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