You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
