a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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