I cannot find my penis.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
