So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
