im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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