I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
