i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
