I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
