this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
