So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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