I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
