i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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