Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
