And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
