So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
