I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
