you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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