I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
