booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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