Dude my mom stole all your condoms
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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