when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
